Garrett's 2nd Birthday in Heaven

Last year at this time, we decided to send sweet notes up to our little boy in Heaven on this day, which was supposed to be his due date.  This year would be his 2nd Birthday in Heaven.  Little Clara Dawn was much littler and just got to stare last year, but this year she was toting the balloons around just like big sister was.  Indeed, we do these things as therapy for our souls and then it turns into a tradition and something special that puts a smile in our hearts.  I know that when I told Gracie that Garrett's birthday was coming up that the excitement for her was yet another reason why I do this....and I will continue to do this on his day.  I have written many things about my journey into healing and although it takes what seems like forever, it does feel better from the other side.  I know there are days and moments that I feel like I did that day January 7th, two years ago....and there are days when I picture him running around my house, doing boy things and it makes me smile and tear up at the same time.  Sad because God gave me a little boy and I never got to see him grow into my little man, but happy because I know just exactly where he is.....oh, man, that is a good feeling.   Sometimes I walk into my closet and when I look out that particular window, I am sucked back into time because I remember crying there.....in the beginning of this journey. So we send balloons up.....and we did today again, just like last year.  Gracie frantically writing notes and putting stickers on them so we can send them up to Heaven inside the balloons.  She is so serious when she picks up the balls at Wal-Mart and says we need to get those for Garrett's birthday....and I think to myself, funny that she picked those because Ryan loves Hacky Sack and those are Hacky Sack balls and I bet Garrett would love them because his daddy does.  We pick out plates and cups that we think he would like and talk about how fun the birthday is going to be.....and it is.  It was fun last year and we had a great time this year.....all sitting around the little round blue table in the tiny off-white chairs with our little cake for Garrett with the two candles.  Our little family united in a tiny tribute to our little boy.....who is as alive as can be in our hearts.  He didn't really leave us that day.....he's been stuck right in our hearts since that day two years ago.  I feel so many blessings overflowing in my life in these moments....moments of loss.  The same as Garrett's birth into Heaven, again today, I sit at a memorial service, feeling moments of loss and imagining myself in yet another place of grief....grieving for a friend who has lost someone special, someone close to her heart.  Imagining her road of pain and her process and knowing it will be a long, but blessed one.  Holding on tight to the memory of another friend and her sweet baby in Heaven and watching her travel the road I've been down....and remembering each tired and deliberate step.....and then I see her smile and she laughs and I remember when I started doing that for real.....and then it happened more and more and I feel happy that she is happier....more happy than she was when it first began....but of course not completely happy because that would mean that her baby was here. Even though Heaven is a sweet place and a wonderful place, I am greedy sometimes and I really want them back....these ones we don't have here on earth anymore.  I want people back for other people too because I want them to be happy.  I want my cousin to have her dad back, so he can hug her and tell her things are going to be fine.  So I sing even when I'm scared to and I love these little ones and special ones....my family, my friends...my baby girls and I love life as much as I can and think about moments....stop every time I think about it and enjoy the moment that I am in.  Pray for it to last....and thank God for it....and thank Him again and then love on people more instead of scowling...laugh at people instead of taking them too seriously and play a game of softball even though it makes my stomach turn with nervousness....just to play a little more...because everyone needs to play and have fun....just like the little kids that run circles around our hearts.  So as I send my balloons up to Garrett, I picture him running circles around Grandma Evie and Grandma Mary and them both making sure that he has all the love that he needs and I smile and think I'm going to enjoy people more and let them know how much I enjoy them....and I'm going to play and I'm going to love......love the life God has given me.