I wonder who he would have looked like?

 I often think of Garrett as being a little cowboy and hanging out with his dada.....if he could have been here......but I do picture him looking mostly like Ryan....and a little like me....pretty much the story with all of my babies.....but I'm okay with it.

 I pictured him blowing out his candle on his first year birthday cake....just like his dada here.

And I pictured him just like this.....but with blue eyes.....my blue eyes.

Mostly now....I picture him in Heaven.....and that's the best picture I could ever have of him.

All Three of my babies. My special project.

 So here is the final of a project I've had in mind for a while to honor all three of my little babies.  The first frame has Gracie's footprints from birth and then the second is Garrett's and then the third is Little Clara's footprints.  The next frame over has all three of their bibles with their names stamped on them....then finally, each have a 2 dollar bill that my dad wrote on for each of them.  This has been something that he has always done for each grandkid....starting with my niece and nephew.  I am so proud that I have these things for each of my babies.....

 A close up of the 2 dollar bills.

It's really special to see how tiny but distinct Little Garrett's footprints look in between Gracie's and Clara's footprints.  Ryan and I were trying to compare whose they looked like more, because they are that detailed....Gracie has Ryan's foot and Clara has more of my foot shape....We think Garrett's may look a little more like Gracie's.....Looks like he may have had his daddy's feet.

Garrett's First Birthday in Pictures.

 His birthday cake and balloons.  Gracie and I picked out Toy Story because what little boy doesn't like Woody and Buzz Lightyear?

 This is one of the projects I am working on.....I'll post the other two when I get them all finished and hung on the wall.

 Daddy Ryan wrote on his balloon......we'll see him someday.

 My balloon.

 Clara had to send one up also.

 Gracie had to do her artwork of all of us.  She was soooo excited to send these up to Heaven to Garrett.

 Getting ready to let them go.  The yellow one has Gracie's picture in it.

 First set.....

 Gracie is ready to send the blue ones and her yellow one with a special picture for Garrett.

 Getting ready to blow out his candle after we sing Happy Birthday to Garrett.

 Clara thinks this is all super fun.

 Once we got to the church.....I gave Cheryl and Kade some balloons and we sent them off.

 Our family ones getting closer and closer to him.

 My sweet Grace.

 They are way up there.

 Can you see them?

So tiny.....almost there!

Happy Birthday Garrett.  We had a joyous day celebrating you.  We talked a lot about Heaven today and that is good.  We will always love you and we'll work our hardest to be good so we can see you again some day.

A Visit

 Little Clara and her big sister Gracie sitting on the bench by Garrett's grave.

 My beautiful family.

 Mom and dad put this out by Garrett's grave....a little wind blown and dirty from the elements, but beautiful all the same with dad's sharpie embellishments....haha.

Clara sits comfortably while daddy and Grace plant a flower by Garrett's grave in the background.

Garrett's Birthday through Gracie's eyes

Gracie is telling little Clara that today is Garrett's birthday.....and that he's her brother.  She is asking her "do you love big sister"....."do you miss Garrett".  "Do you miss Garrett little Sugars"......and she wants Garrett to have a blue and white birthday......and she is telling her that when she was a little girl, she was as "chuggy" as Clara and that she can't eat cake until she is bigger and can swallow it.  She is saying that she will make Garrett a card as soon as she is done with Clara.  What a great big sister she is.  She is now making Garrett a picture and telling Clara about the process.  Talk about moments that make me happy.  I love my girls.  Clara is intently watching big sister tell her all about these things.....and my heart is happy because they are.....so....happy.

One year birthday celebrated in Heaven

So it's June 28th today and this day would come and go and many people on this earth would celebrate it for many reasons....but not for one as special as mine.  This was Garrett's due date....one year later.  In my heart, if he would have gotten to be carried in my tummy as long as he should have, he would have been born at least close to this day and today we would be celebrating his first birthday.....so June 28th is the second special date to me for him.  His first birthday in Heaven.  People may think it is crazy to keep these dates noted and some may even think I'm a little weird to want to remember......but as time passes, God heals my heart and remembering is good for me and it's a good teacher for my little girls.  I plan on sending balloons up in the sky to the Heavens today.....and we will have cake and it will be a special day to talk about Garrett.  Grace and Clara will grow up knowing that EVERY life is important....especially their brothers.  I find myself grateful to different things in each moment that I think of him.  Lately, I've been grateful that of the times to lose him, I got to have him long enough to bond and link my heart to his and I got to know who he was.....a little boy....and I got to see him and hold him in my hands and look at his tiny little perfect feet and hands.  I am grateful that we got to deliver him in a special way and I went through little contractions.  I'm grateful for the nurses and staff at Norman Regional that they knew how to take care of my heart through the process and that they knew God.  I'm grateful for Dr. Lashbrook.  She was so available and answered so many unanswerable questions.  I'm grateful for Ryan holding my hand through it and the tears that fell from his face. I'm grateful for my parents for loving Garrett as much as I do....still....and making his life important by making him valid and listing him as one of the grandkids and not forgetting him.  His little footprints and picture rest right along with all the other kids and he will always be there.  I am grateful that he wasn't gone too early from us, so I got to know him, but also that if he was to be in Heaven, he went when he did and as peaceful as he did.  I am grateful that my little girl still talks about when I pushed Garrett out and staying with Aunt Cheryl right along with talking about when I pushed Clara out and putting lipstick on Aunt Cheryl and her getting her ice cream (memories from a 4 year old...pushing, lipstick and ice cream).  So I can see I am grateful for so much more and the pain that is still there is just in the memory of that day and those moments after.....those painful moments that wrenched my heart.  I can still remember them as if they were yesterday and I still remember those that surrounded me and made me feel loved.  In those moments, you know God is present.  In those that know how to do it because He taught them.....you find a little peace through pain and slowly but surely He gives you complete peace.  It's always hard right in the middle of it and I remember that it felt like the heaviness would follow me forever....it took special people around me reminding me that I would be okay.  Some people get upset at that because they don't think that anyone has the right.....they don't know what I'm going through.  I see it a different way now.....now that I've been through a few things unexpectedly in my life.....I see it that all struggle is close to the same in the end.....death is the hardest....but it takes the same formula to get through it and something that is always the same is that we all get through it with the help of our Heavenly Father.  No matter what the struggle is.  And I've learned not to judge a struggle....to think....oh, that's not as bad as this.....or why are they still so sad or "get over it....already".  I can't say that I've ever  done that, but I know it happens and people don't really mean it.  I think all people are good hearted somewhere in there.....they just don't always know how to channel it correctly.....or maybe the right words don't come out and don't say what their heart means.  I think we should give each other a break and when someone is trying to help you....maybe it's not coming out the way you think it should, but if you look at the whole of it.....look deep into that person and you know they are trying....and whatever words or actions coming from them, are coming from love and concern.  Another thing I hope to remember myself....I'll remind me by reading this again throughout my life.  Another lesson from God through Garrett's life.  So today is special for so many reasons.  I look at all this little baby in my arms and I know she wouldn't be here if Garrett wasn't and I can't imagine not looking into her big brown eyes or seeing her smile break out all over her face.  God used His people and I am a living walking example of their goodness.  I will try to be as good as they have been to me.  I want to make sure that they all know how much I appreciate them and I'll tell them every moment that I can.  They deserve to know how special God made them.  So today I celebrate your due date....your day you were supposed to be born Garrett and we will do our best to see you again and we will.  We had enough incentive already, but knowing your are there....having no doubt you are there, makes it sweeter.  We love you.  You will always be our little boy.....daddy's little man.  I guess all those guns and tractor toys daddy bought will have to be used by him for now.  Don't worry.....he's okay with that.  Can't wait to see you again.  Happy First Birthday in Heaven little Guy.  Love Mommy

Clara Dawn

It's been a while since I posted.....and I wanted to post something on January 7th, which was the anniversary of Little Garrett and his entrance into Heaven.....but because of the little cutie above, I have been a little tied up.  I have had trouble also with getting my thoughts together to write about how I feel getting through this year of losing Garrett and then right before his anniversary....getting blessed with Clara (who by the way was supposed to be born on January 7th, her actual due date).  I feel like, in a lot of ways, that her being here made that day bearable....and in a lot of ways, happy for me....because I had her new little body in my arms on a day that I cried just last year....  On January 4th, the day we found out he was gone, I was at home adjusting to having a new baby and loving her little face and thinking of all of the fun we were going to have when she got bigger.  My sweet girl Gracie has been more than wonderful through all of this....with emotional mommy who is trying to get through the beginning woes of breastfeeding.  She has been the best big sister....and makes references to Garrett all the time.  She is so sure of him and where he is....and has said she wants to show Clara to him....fly up to him with butterfly wings.  I love Grace so much.  She has been nothing but a perfect big sister in her little 3 1/2 year old body.  She seems to be able to handle Clara when she is crying way better than I can.  It doesn't frazzle her at all.  I miss my little Garrett.  I have huge emotions that come over me now and then......mostly remembering the pain that losing him brought me.  Remembering falling apart and crumbling to the ground....  I remember those days so vividly and what that loss felt like....and then I check myself and how I am doing now.....and I am fine.  I am sad, but I'm also completely fine.  The reason I say this is that I feel like I have made it.  I'm beyond better.  I know that this has to do with prayers that people have sent up on my behalf.....and this little girl is part of my healing also.  If she wasn't here, I realize that those memories would be more painful.....and the emptiness of not having him....is coated with the fulfilling joy of having her.  She is starting to look at me and "coo" and "gah"....which is so wonderful.  I can't wait for her to grow up with her sister....and share the bond that my sister and I have.  We will always talk about Garrett with them and I will never forget him.  He is my second child and I picture what kind of little boy he would have been all the time.  I picture his face and what he would look like....and I picture him with his daddy feeding cows and working at the shop.  I picture him growing up, right along with Gracie and Clara....and he is here with me in my heart and will be until I get to see him again.  We love you Garrett....and until I hold you again, I'll choose to see you in Gracie's eyes and Clara's smile.