From where I am standing, I can see happiness. This is my sister Cheryl....and I and we are part of a little club at church called Sow n' Sow sisters and my sister and I were in charge of the October project. I didn't even think about October being the month to remember babies that have gone on to Heaven....(it just worked out that way on it's own)...and we decided to make memory boxes for pregnancy loss.....more of them....to take to the hospital and donate so that when a mother loses her child, she has something to take home and cherish forever. I got one when I lost Garrett and it was made by a mom who donated it after the loss of her child. It meant so much to me to have that box full of memories. His little blanket, his pictures, his measuring tape and arm bands for us both were all in the box. We decorated ten boxes on Tuesday night with the help of some friends. I made a tiny little blanket to put inside of each one and put a photo album and a sheet for footprints that has a place for their birth weight, length and date born into Heaven. I was having a little bit of a time as the date approached for us to do this. It was bringing back some old feelings as I made the little blankets and unfortunately also, a sweet girl I know had her first baby born into Heaven just days before the meeting. I was mourning for her and what she would be going through and praying for her.....and thinking about this night coming up and what emotions it would bring up to be making those boxes. Fortunately, it was a blessed night and it brought even more peace and a realization that good can come out of most situations. We can learn from and get through just about anything if we allow ourselves to.....and if we are patient in waiting for peace. It's hard to do that. Wait. Well, and sometimes, I regress, accidentally. I'm sure being pregnant again makes me sometimes worry more....and sometimes on some days....it helps me get through the loss of Garrett. I think about how glorious he must feel in Heaven and it makes me want to be an even better person so that I can meet him there someday. I also thank him for Clara. Little Garrett had to leave us for this little girl to be growing inside of me. So, that leaves me full of emotion. Mostly gratitude these days for feeling like I'm getting through something again.....and that I am learning every day that I am not in control. That scares me, but also it takes the stress off of my shoulders in some ways. I get to thinking that no matter what happens, it's beyond my control and I just have to relax. I go back and forth honestly. It's just like ten more weeks sounds like an eternity, but at the same time, it sounds like it's not that far away. I can't wait for Clara to be here, but I also want to take advantage of the moments I have right now with Gracie and savor them, because I know things will be different. And I also still hope and pray that Clara does get to be here with us. I for sure have way more compassion for people. I always thought that I took other people's feelings into consideration....probably too much sometimes, but I definitely do now. I have prayed for people who have went through things.....really prayed, but once I had been through a couple of rough patches, I realized that I had no idea what pain was.....before
that happened and
this happened. I really couldn't place myself there....I felt sorry for them and prayed for them, but I didn't feel their grief and have true compassion. I do now. In most situations. I don't even have to experience it, but I make myself go there, so I can feel their pain and when I pray then, I'm there with them for that moment.
Thankful that I can get away from it and grieving that they can't......then I find myself praying that my family is safe from that pain. Then I make the roundabout circle again.....and give myself back over to trust.....and back to I'm not in control. I guess this is what happens to you as you grow up and get older. You realize that lots of really bad things could happen and you figure out with God's help how to deal with the emotions that come from that realization. So, it's a learning process and I'm determined to grow and learn from everything from now on. Getting back to happy is hard. Happy is where you were before anything bad ever happened to you, which is early in youth, if you're lucky. Happy is where God is. It's where trust is before you started not trusting. It's where peace is before Peace was disrupted by something bad. I had a girl ask me in high school why I was so happy all the time and I thought it was the craziest question, because I just WAS. I had everything to be happy about. I realize now that my parents had to work on that for my sister and I, because things were not perfect for them back then. They were going through rough patches that tested them and shook them, but they labored through and they made us feel stable and happy. I never doubted them and their faith when they were navigating the horrible times that life threw at them. What good parents I have. I'll cherish them forever. I'll try to be like them for this reason. They both had really rough upbringings....and they experienced hard times while my sister and I were growing up, but they let that shape them in the best way.....and their effort in my sister and I in instilling Godly values are what make us who we are today....and allow us to fall back on those values to get through our rough patches. I like to think of it that way. That in the whole scheme of things......in this life and our eternal life with God.....rough patches are just that.....patches.....in like billions of acres of our life. I picture the hay meadow out in front of our house when it is at it's finest and it would be really hard to see a little patch here or there because the fullness of it's beauty would be all that I could see from
where I was standing.
