Little Sister, Big Blessing!

I've never wondered why God chose me to have a little sister and especially one like Cheryl, but I've always thanked Him for sure. I have moments where I stop and think of what my life would have been like without her in the moments and in the memories.....both hard and good times....and I can't imagine it. We held hands each night as we drifted off to sleep when we were little (even when we were in bunk beds), shared a room in a little trailer in Sasakwa, sang harmony in our little duo that dad created (Young Hearts) from nasal vibrato up until now, and now we support each other thru whatever good or bad thing comes our way...and remind each other often, even when it's hard to do so, to raise our kids the way we were raised....and most importantly, we help each other remember to be who we are. I love my little sister and this is one of the reasons why.....she never hesitates to encourage me.....this is a letter in response to my last blog.

FROM CHERYL: Up a little late tonight...reading thru your blog from the beginning. Makes my heart hurt and happy at the same time. I feel a great hurt for the sadness you've had to face in losing sweet Garrett...and the hard journey it has been to find happiness once again. I'm proud of the strength you've shown in such a dark and sad time...climbing up from a such a low place and finding a strength and wisdom to gain the happiness God intends for us to have. Sharing your deepest thoughts with all of us and having the courage to keep pressing on even when it was so hard. Happiness is what I feel for the place you are now...for the joyfulness I hear. You bring me comfort with your words and in knowing that my little nephew is happy and that , that brings your peace. God is so incredible and so powerful. It's hard to even fathom how he will mend and heal our hearts but he does....in so many ways through so many people. I love and miss little Garrett...often wonder what his little personality would've been like...or how he would've looked like. Can't wait to meet him in heaven. I love you big sis and I am proud of the strength you have gained on this journey and the way that you have chosen to use the Godly wisdom you've gained in your healing to help heal others. PROUD! of you. Love you forever and ever...Beryl

Garrett's 2nd Birthday in Heaven

Last year at this time, we decided to send sweet notes up to our little boy in Heaven on this day, which was supposed to be his due date.  This year would be his 2nd Birthday in Heaven.  Little Clara Dawn was much littler and just got to stare last year, but this year she was toting the balloons around just like big sister was.  Indeed, we do these things as therapy for our souls and then it turns into a tradition and something special that puts a smile in our hearts.  I know that when I told Gracie that Garrett's birthday was coming up that the excitement for her was yet another reason why I do this....and I will continue to do this on his day.  I have written many things about my journey into healing and although it takes what seems like forever, it does feel better from the other side.  I know there are days and moments that I feel like I did that day January 7th, two years ago....and there are days when I picture him running around my house, doing boy things and it makes me smile and tear up at the same time.  Sad because God gave me a little boy and I never got to see him grow into my little man, but happy because I know just exactly where he is.....oh, man, that is a good feeling.   Sometimes I walk into my closet and when I look out that particular window, I am sucked back into time because I remember crying there.....in the beginning of this journey. So we send balloons up.....and we did today again, just like last year.  Gracie frantically writing notes and putting stickers on them so we can send them up to Heaven inside the balloons.  She is so serious when she picks up the balls at Wal-Mart and says we need to get those for Garrett's birthday....and I think to myself, funny that she picked those because Ryan loves Hacky Sack and those are Hacky Sack balls and I bet Garrett would love them because his daddy does.  We pick out plates and cups that we think he would like and talk about how fun the birthday is going to be.....and it is.  It was fun last year and we had a great time this year.....all sitting around the little round blue table in the tiny off-white chairs with our little cake for Garrett with the two candles.  Our little family united in a tiny tribute to our little boy.....who is as alive as can be in our hearts.  He didn't really leave us that day.....he's been stuck right in our hearts since that day two years ago.  I feel so many blessings overflowing in my life in these moments....moments of loss.  The same as Garrett's birth into Heaven, again today, I sit at a memorial service, feeling moments of loss and imagining myself in yet another place of grief....grieving for a friend who has lost someone special, someone close to her heart.  Imagining her road of pain and her process and knowing it will be a long, but blessed one.  Holding on tight to the memory of another friend and her sweet baby in Heaven and watching her travel the road I've been down....and remembering each tired and deliberate step.....and then I see her smile and she laughs and I remember when I started doing that for real.....and then it happened more and more and I feel happy that she is happier....more happy than she was when it first began....but of course not completely happy because that would mean that her baby was here. Even though Heaven is a sweet place and a wonderful place, I am greedy sometimes and I really want them back....these ones we don't have here on earth anymore.  I want people back for other people too because I want them to be happy.  I want my cousin to have her dad back, so he can hug her and tell her things are going to be fine.  So I sing even when I'm scared to and I love these little ones and special ones....my family, my friends...my baby girls and I love life as much as I can and think about moments....stop every time I think about it and enjoy the moment that I am in.  Pray for it to last....and thank God for it....and thank Him again and then love on people more instead of scowling...laugh at people instead of taking them too seriously and play a game of softball even though it makes my stomach turn with nervousness....just to play a little more...because everyone needs to play and have fun....just like the little kids that run circles around our hearts.  So as I send my balloons up to Garrett, I picture him running circles around Grandma Evie and Grandma Mary and them both making sure that he has all the love that he needs and I smile and think I'm going to enjoy people more and let them know how much I enjoy them....and I'm going to play and I'm going to love......love the life God has given me.

Comfort

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort that we ourselves have received from God."

-2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Today is January 7th, 2012.  It holds so many reasons for me today.  So many reasons for thinking...for remembering...for loving....for rejoicing.  The first thing that happened on this day was a sweet smiling woman....a young girl with big brown eyes, married a handsome  man.  My grandparents...Mary Helen and Doyle were married 62 years ago on this day.  I am always going to remember their anniversary because my sweet Garrett was born into Heaven on this day.  Also, the beautiful Miss Clara Dawn was proposed to be born on this day, although she wasn’t...this was her due date last year.  I am still amazed by that.  My brother-in-law was born on this day and a big brother, mother and father rejoiced many years ago.  And....today as I have my own memorial of 2 years passing of my little baby boy....or our baby boy with my family.....another family...another child of God will be remembered.  On this very day that holds so many words when written in my calendar.  So you see what I mean....remembering, loving and rejoicing.....

So much comes to mind when I think of this day....and the only good thing for me is that I can say that although I am sad when I think of Garrett and I miss him, I am also happy that I have Clara Dawn here.  I think it was set up for me that way.  The Lord knows how I think for sure.  I cannot dwell too long any more on pain, because I have such joy when I look into her eyes.....for if he was here, she would not be.  So my heart is mixed up in a way a lot of times, but I know this is how it was supposed to be and I have a lot of peace now.  The peace that I prayed for so much in the first year when it was really hard.....it finally came and although there is always a little broken piece in my heart, I know that I’m a better, a different, a stronger person for it.  

I think of another loss today and it is on my heart....of my friend’s little sweet girl that she was so close to holding....and it’s fresh again.  I am sad for her, but mainly because I remember....so much.....how hard it is and what she and her family will endure.  I remember and know that the pain does not leave, but it does get more tolerable....and I wish for a winding forward of the clock for her even though at the same time, I know that it doesn’t work that way.  I still wish for it though.  Pass the pain up.  But that is where the learning and the reaching comes.  I think we reach every day for Him.  We should.  We reach for peace....for love....towards the future.....and to Him for guidance through all of it......but through pain, it is the only direction my arms know to go, which is why I know we can’t fast forward as much as I want to....for her.....she will be reaching......just as her child will...into the arms of our Lord and Savior.  I don’t know her pain.  I can’t.  I know my pain, but I can never know hers.  So I will pray for all that I prayed for myself two years ago today....for her and her family.  

Garrett.  He’s our son.  He always will be.  We hung his stocking up like we did last year when Clara was still in my tummy and we put his ornament up.  The girls both got baby brother dolls named Garrett to hug and snuggle.  I still wear his bracelet with his tiny little feet engraved on it.  We still make memory boxes in his name.  We visit the place where he was buried.  We talk about him mostly.  Gracie always brings him up and has something uplifting to say. He’s taught us so much and made us so much closer, so much more compassionate, and so much more grateful for our family.  I told my sister the other day that I often sign his name when I send a card.....and that the only time I don’t is when I feel like it would make the person I send it to confused or uncomfortable.  I don’t think of him as anything other than my child.  I miss the little boy that he would have been and because I have such a wonderful husband....I can’t help but think of what a beautiful boy he would have been.  Little Clara.......I look at her and I think to myself....I bet she looks like her brother....but I always picture him with blue eyes....so I picture Clara now with blue eyes....and there is my Garrett. So I love him just like I love my girls.  I love him from afar and when it’s really beautiful outside or when we are walking up to our house in the dark and I get a glimpse of the stars, I think about him.  I am hopeful today that I can be a comfort again for someone.  Maybe my words somehow will bring some of the hope I feel right now....a glimmer maybe....much like the one I got from a person I’d never met that had went through the same pain two years ago. Two years ago I found peace through an icy journey to the hospital to deliver my sweet little boy into Heaven.  I remember how I felt that day as he peacefully came into our lives and then left us to spend eternity in Heaven.  We miss you Garrett Ryan Welch Christ......as much today as we did two years ago.  Until we meet again, we will rejoice that you are where we long to be some glorious day.