Gratitude

I recently re-visited a song that I used to listen to and it takes on a whole new meaning for me today. I've found myself wanting peace, asking for peace....well, sometimes begging for peace. This song is basically an anthem that runs through my thoughts daily. I give thanks constantly through the day to God for giving me so much in my life. I am truly lucky and filled with extreme Gratitude for the blessings that I have in my life. Of course after something life changing happens to you, it is exactly that...life changing. I give thanks like the song says, I thank God for the lessons I've learned, and then I ask for peace. I stated in my first blog that I wanted peace...and that well, peace would come later. I felt peaceful, but complete peace takes a little while longer. We ask for things and there is a difference between what we want and what we need....again the song says this. I still find myself asking for peace, begging for it, all along with the realization that it may not come today.....but in the meantime, I'll give thanks to God with Gratitude for the lessons he gave me in how to trust in Him. That I am blessed beyond what I could ever dream......in abundance. I'm almost word for word typing the words of the song by Nichole Nordeman. At the very end of the song she sings....And if You never grant us peace.....but Jesus would You please. I know that I may never have peace about this particular experience with losing Garrett....not complete peace....but I find myself still pleading for it. No matter if I get the peace the way I want it in my mind....I always acknowledge that I have learned.....I have observed God's purpose. Surely God can see that I am thirsty and afraid as I beg him for rain, maybe he will not send rain today but he'll provide in other ways....so I'll give thanks to him with Gratitude for the lessons learned on how to thirst for Him. Romans 12:12 Be Joyful in hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer. If we could only be joyful in hope....patient in affliction and faithful in prayer. I think anyone can say that they are one or more of those things some of the time, but very rarely all of them all of the time. I think it's something to strive for, so I strive.....and I strive. Speaking of Gratitude....I've been grateful to the people that God has put into my life these last several weeks. I've talked about my wonderful husband....my little girl...my parents and my sister. There have also been so many other people that I am grateful for. I am aware of all the calls of encouragement and the prayers of our family, friends and church family. It has been a blessing. One of the sweetest ladies ever at church who has faced her own valleys sent over the neatest basket full of food.....I mean, it was even thoughtfully presented. Candles and all....wow, it really made us feel special. Delicious and beautiful.....from a beautiful person. A cousin in law (that's what I call the sweet girl that married my cuz) sent me a beautiful card that I just got in the mail today. I got it a along with a package. I curiously opened it.....thinking....what is this....and as I got the package ripped open, the glimpse of the CD by Watermark with that familiar picture on the front brought tears to my eyes. If you've been reading this blog, you've also been hearing the beautiful song Glory Baby by Watermark. This song has been a favorite of mine a long while. When Garrett passed, I scrambled through my car looking for this particular CD. I was hoping it was in there and wasn't one of my cherished CD's that had been burned in the house fire almost 3 years ago. I knew what it looked like....the picture on the front imprinted in my mind....and although I could search the internet and order it from Itunes, there was something about finding this CD, unharmed in my car CD stash. I didn't find it. So when I got this beautiful card with such sweet encouraging words in it....I got a CD, a CD that I had missed....with instructions to pay close attenion to song #6. A song that I could sing every word to because it had been etched in my heart many years ago. A song that my sister and I sang at a funeral of another cousin of mine when she lost her sweet little girl. Gratitude. I love this sweet person for thinking of me with such thoughtfulness to send this to me. A CD that was dear to her. I have cried many days to the words and music of this song, but as I loaded the CD and played it this time.....I sang it like an anthem. My little girl who has heard the song many times chimed in. Glory baby, you slipped away as fast as we could say baby....and when baby is repeated....she repeats it with me....and I know everything is going to be okay.

Thank you Heart, Thank you Cheryl

I feel compelled as I'm writing on this little blue thank you card with the tiny footprints of Garrett to Cheryl and Jon.....to write something here for my sister. Maybe it's because I think she deserves to be posted and not always hid under a bushel, or maybe it's just because that's how I feel today. I feel deep unending love for her. When we learned of Garrett's heartbeat, I didn't want to call and tell my parents or my sister. I had just talked to Cheryl and she was as excited as I was to find out if she would have a little niece or nephew. Anyways, I didn't want to call and tell Cheryl or my mom and dad because I didn't want their heart to hurt like mine was. I kept thinking as each hour of pain passed, that the longer I waited, the longer they got to not deal with this. Of course, when they found out, the support system locked into place....like the little locks on fold out tables that keeps the legs from collapsing....so were my family for Ryan and I. So my legs are locked into place and everyone immediately starts supporting us......like they always do. My sister immediately started letting me know what she would do, which was basically anything I needed. She would watch Gracie while we delivered Garrett....she would bring food for a week or longer after....she would do any burial stuff so that I wouldn't have to do it...she would stand with my mom, steadfast, holding umbrellas over our head as we buried Garrett.....she just was a solid rock. It's not just for those reasons that I love her. It's way deeper. She is my sister, the other half of my heart, my friend for life. Her smile makes my eyes tear up and her love that radiates out of her for me makes me feel protected. The kind of protected you only get from a sister. Her hugs crack my neck, literally. She's my reminder when I need to be reminded. She's my mirror when I need to take a good look at myself. She shares my past, my right now and my future. She's the closest person, outside of my parents and Ryan that knows my inner thoughts. She understands me....and I understand her. I used to always try to protect her as we were growing up. I cared for her so much, that I didn't want anything or anyone to hurt her. Now, she is that for me. I am forever grateful to God for giving her to me and letting me grow up with her and as an adult, having her so close. Thank you God for my sister, Cheryl (Shurl).

What will he teach us?

I said that Garrett would teach us something. I started thinking this way before I found out that he had went on to Heaven, but now it's imprinted in my mind for sure. I need to simplify. We need to simplify. That word means a lot of things to me, but what it mainly means is that I want to make my life to where it is only filled with the joy and love of being a child of God and with my family. My life has felt a little cluttered up lately and I want to get rid of stress so I can focus on more important things. The best way that I can describe how I feel is my closet. After our house burned down, we had nothing but what we had on. Slowly, we've been given things (because people are gracious) and we've acquired things....until now, my whole closet is full. Anyone that know me, knows that my wardrobe only consists of favorite t-shirts, sweatshirts, comfy pants and tennis shoes. So when I look at this closet full of stuff, it drives me crazy. It's too much. I don't need it. Life can end up feeling like that with too much unimportant stuff in it. I'm not talking about things that we should do, like helping other people or volunteering, etc. Those are all supplemental things that only make me and my family stronger. I want to be able to focus on things that are important....like being the best person that I can be to people and going to the Pooh Pooh's play park with my niece and nephew......because it seems like we don't do simple things like that enough anymore....and another thing that we have decided to do in memory of Garrett is building a Legacy for Garrett. When I delivered Garrett and the hospital, the people there were so wonderful and they gave me a sweet memory box with his footprints, his measurements, his blanket, his arm band and much more. This cute little box was made by a mom who donated her time and money to make me feel better on this day. This lady doesn't even know me and she made me smile that day. She gave me something that I'll have forever as a memory of Garrett. The ladies at the hospital gave us a baby book for Garrett that is made special for these circumstances. I've decided that in Garrett's memory, I am going to make these memory boxes, little tiny baby blankets and also boxes for the little angel babies to be laid to rest in. These are things that we as a family can do (my mom, my sister, me, Ryan, Gracie, Kade and Addy) to make his life have a purpose here on earth. From the time he was in my tummy little Garrett impacted my life. He made me think of my life in a different way. He made me want to be closer to my family. He's the one that got me started thinking about making my life simpler so I could focus on things that were more important. I am forever grateful for him on how he's changed my thinking. God sent him to me because he had a purpose for his life and his Legacy will impact the lives of many more families. I have two children. I have my beautiful little Gracie that is always teaching me something...and I have my sweet little boy Garrett, who is lucky enough to already be held in the arms of the Lord. I will think of him on the day he should have been born and I will wonder how life would have been with him here, but I will rest in knowing that Heaven is his home......it's all he'll ever know.

Never asked why

I honestly never asked why of God after this happened. I asked questions of myself....I thought about everything I had done in the past week....questioning my actions....putting myself on trial. I asked why did this happen with hopes of actually figuring it out so that it would never happen again. I do realize though....that I may not get the answers I want...or I may not get any answers at all....and part of healing for me is making myself okay with that. Trust in the Lord with all your heart because Stacy, you may not be able to get a good understanding at all of why this happened. That's my battle with myself. I wish I could turn my thinking off every now and then. I remember thinking it was a good quality to think when I was younger....now that I'm a little older and my mind is more cluttered......it's not a good thing. I struggle with being concerned but not worried about everything. That's why this blog may be okay or maybe important.....to someone. For me, well, I could write this in my journal like I have done all my life.....lock it up for no one to see.....that would be for me. No matter what you are going through, everyone ends up having just about the same thoughts and questions...and for some reason, the other night....reading a blog of a girl by my same name, go through the same thing I did.....reading of her strength that came straight from her Faith....well that made me feel better. Sometimes you need a reminder of what you already have learned. It made me realize that what my parents, my husband and my sister had been saying....well, they were right. Everything would be okay......I read about how this girl that I'd never met relied on her Faith to get her through the death of her son....and then in Ryan's prayer as we buried Garrett, he remembered how God himself gave his son. How hard that must have been! This was hard.....I knew he wasn't in that box that Ryan and my dad lowered into the ground, but it was still hard to leave even his body there....it was still hard to cover it up with dirt. Ryan and I put together some things to bury with Garrett. It felt right....and it felt like we were supposed to do it. Even if only his body was in there, this was the one thing we could do for him. The most wonderful nurse that let me call her whenever I needed to told me that this was our way of parenting. He was gone, but we were parenting him still....it was our job. I put the tiny army men that Ryan picked into his little casket....and lion that Gracie picked....the tiny blue Bible with his name on the front.....the Pooh Bear....the tiny John Deere Tractor (because every little boy should have a John Deere Tractor). I put the letters that Kade and Addy wrote with all of the sequins, glitter and decorations. The words of Kade written in his little 7 year old handwriting "We will see you again soon".......and Addy's hearts and drawings and "I love you Garrett" make me wish that this little boy could have grown up to know his sweet cousins. My mom wrote a letter and put an angel bear because he was her little angel and still is. My dad has always given each grandchild a 2 dollar bill that he writes on. Garrett, his namesake, his fourth grandchild got one the day we buried him. It said "To my grandson Garrett...a short time here, but in our hearts forever, Love Pappy G". These are are the things we did for Garrett to remember him. These people in my life have all been through hards things. I am no different than anyone else. I cannot feel sorry for myself because this has happened to my little boy, because I'm not alone. A sweet wonderful lady that I know from church brought us some food....she lost her son. My wonderful aunt lost her son, my friend. My cousin lost her little baby girl. Another aunt of mine lost her little baby boy, a cousin I never got to meet. My mom has two baby brothers up in Heaven. Another cousin of mine lost his twin babies before they were born. These are people in my family circle.....and they are all okay. They relied on God and they are okay, so I will be too. I'm not plagued.....God didn't pick me. I don't ask why me.....I just get through each day a little stronger and pray. I vow to be stronger for my family. For my husband. For my little girl. I hope for more babies because I have more love to give. More discipline. More teaching. My Legacy is what is my parent's Legacy and what is Garrett's Legacy.....to show, teach and give strength in any way I can. In simple ways, in complex ways and in soft gentle ways....any way that works.

Honey, there is no heartbeat

Our story of Garrett begins with an exciting day scheduled at Storkvision sonograms. I had been trying to guess if I was having a boy or girl for a while...and was trying to get my little girl Gracie to speak to God himself and tell me. She would ask me about 5 times a day if I wanted a baby boy or a baby girl. I would of course tell her it didn't matter, I would take either one. Her response was that I would get the baby boy and she would get the baby girl. Was I having twins? Our first sonogram confirmed that there was one strong, fast heartbeat, which I admit made me think we were having a girl, because Gracie had the same fast heartbeat. So, that led us to January 4th. We were so excited at the fact that maybe we could find out, if we were lucky, if we needed to repaint or if the pink that was already in Gracie's room would do. We had decided that we wanted our kids to share a room because my sister and I did growing up, and I believe it made us closer....more patient with each other.....more understanding of each others needs. I remember laying down and anticipating the outline of our baby. I focused intently on the screen as if I myself could determine the sex of the baby without any training. There was the baby. I then looked at the screen and told the technician that the baby was so cute.......she kept probing my tummy and I thought she was trying to get a better view.....after all we were here to see if we could find out whether we had a boy or girl......then those words......"Stacy Honey, there is no heartbeat". I don't think at that very moment that I believed her. I didn't believe that my baby had no heartbeat. I stared at the screen thinking she will hear it in just a minute. How could something so cute, not be alive in me anymore, and me not even know. After all, I was still sick....and very tired. I still gagged and dry heaved every time I went out into cold air (my pregnancy symptom for December). I constantly told myself that I could do anything and go through any pain, just as long as I kept my baby safe. No tylenol for me. No cough drops if I had a cold. I would live through anything just to make sure that I didn't expose my baby to harm. How could this be true? My baby has no heartbeat. My heart was empty. My heart was....EMPTY. I sat up, and felt what was complete sadness flood every part of my body......deep shuddering tears that filled my soul with heartache. The kind that you only get when you lose someone you really love. I'd felt that before when my cousin died....but this was even closer. Right inside of me. My baby girl immediately brought me back with "momma your baby is sick?" It was a question? I was suddenly a momma again and a wife. I wanted to stay together for her and for my wonderful husband. That wasn't the last time that tears came. In fact, they came again, and again, and again. Each time, building a fortress of protection around my heart....a healing cry. I cried for help. I cried for sadness. I cried for pain. I cried over and over for my baby. The baby dreamed for. I cried for my parents, my sister, my daughter and my husband....then I cried for me.
The doctor contacted us and had us get another sonogram to confirm what I already felt in my heart was not going to change. I was hopeful of course that maybe this was a fluke and the heartbeat would pop up as vibrant as ever. It didn't. It was like the first time that day, but worse. It was quiet....and no one said anything. I made it to the car, and gathered as much composure as I could to talk to my doctor. I would deliver my baby on January 7th. A normal delivery on my Grandparent's 60th anniversary, but I wouldn't be taking the baby home. I would be finding out for sure though if we would be having a boy or girl. The days crawled by and it felt strange to me to know that my baby was still in my tummy but there was no amount of vegetables, milk or fruit or vitamins that I could take to bring that heartbeat back. The hardest days of my life. Way worse than the fire that burned our house down when I was pregnant with Gracie. Way worse. I used my closet a lot those two days before the delivery. I needed peace and I needed understanding. Hope seemed......well, what could I hope for. Hope would come later. I kept looking up on my wall and seeing the verse that I'd depended on many times before. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he shall direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6. Boy, have I got that verse imprinted in my brain. My worst quality is my worrying soul. My protective heart. My need to make sure everything is okay.....by making it okay myself.....bad idea. Ryan and I are to be made stronger by this......stronger.....by.....this......I want my baby! These are the words that would filter in my brain. I have the best family in the world. My parents are the two most wonderful people that exist for the job of parenting. If anyone was equipped to deal with this, it would be me.....because of them. Because of God is what I mean, but they are truly from Him. I have been blessed with wisdom from my parents all my life. Prepared for circumstances like these from the time I was little. Each lesson was a life lesson that would mold me into a person who thought about how to help other people with words like my dad and how to view the world and people with lovingness like my mom. How to accept things that we cannot change and how to look forward past the pain and move on with more strength than is possible alone. Only I could feel this much pain and complete peacefulness at the same time. I picture myself being carried by all of them. This is the second time I've felt this way. I have this wonderful man who blessed me by choosing me for his wife. He is the complete combination of strength and kindness. When he is weak, I kick in and when I am, he is right there. He's there....my dad and mom are there....my beautiful best friend, my sister is there....for me. My family is there. They are there, because He put them there for me. It's a little circle that starts with just all of us....but it reaches out......way out.....to my ....my big beautiful family. The night before the delivery, I felt like I was falling apart. I had been mentally preparing myself for what I would go through emotionally. I remembered the joy of Gracie's delivery all too vividly and I knew that this would be hard. I went to sleep crying again. Wanting rest for my heart. January 7th came. I woke up before anyone, wondering if I'd slept. I felt a little weird mainly because I didn't feel completely anxious and I felt peaceful. Not that feeling peaceful would normally be bad, but not today. It stayed. The Peacefulness did. All the way to the hospital it stayed. My mom and dad driving behind us on the dark, icy roads. Peace was there. I talked Ryan's head off that morning. Talked to him about how much I loved him. About how we were going to be stronger for this, just like were with the fire.....about how much I loved him again. I told him how much I loved my mom and my dad. How much I loved my little sister. About how much I loved Gracie. Just in case. I told him how I wasn't going to get depressed. I was determined that I wasn't going to get depressed. I would fight it with every part of my being. I would channel God and filter his wisdom right through my veins.....I would stay strong and happy for my family. I kept asking him if it bothered him that I was talking so much and he said he liked hearing me talk. I love him. Then we were there. The January wind brought back a mountain of emotions as we walked through the icy parking lot. It was time.

It started just like the day we had Gracie. Everything was the same and everything was different. My parents sat in front and to the side of me.....and Ryan sat by my bed. I went through every step the same as with Gracie. Time even passed the same way. Peaceful was still there. God was there. My nurse was wonderful. We talked through the whole day about God....about our purpose in this life. His purpose for us. We were waiting for my baby.....my baby was going to teach us all something today. I did cry while I waited with my family to meet my baby, but it was not for me. It was for my husband and for my family......and what they were losing. Then as peacefully as he left me and went to Heaven, came my sweet little boy Garrett Ryan Welch Christ. The baby became my son...Ryan's first son.....Gracie's little brother. I held his little body and felt complete comfort looking in his face. He had Ryan's nose. I'm sure of it. His eyes were round shaped. He had the most perfect little hands and feet. Amazing. That word floated in my brain and came out of my mouth over and over. He was adorable.....and so completely amazing. This is what God created. This little tiny thing. Only 14 weeks and 3 days old had perfect little hands and feet. Amazing. We all held him. My dad held him, my mom, and then Ryan held his son. I had pictured this little boy a hundred times over. His name was picked when I was still in high school, not even close to even dating boys. Garrett would be the name of my little boy someday....and he would be special. He is special. My mom and dad have told me that Ryan and I have already achieved what God wants for all parent's.....to get their children....his children to Heaven. I do find peace in knowing that....that Heaven is all that Garrett will ever know. I know God has a plan for Garrett. He will touch people's lives. He will make a mark. He will leave a Legacy.