"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort that we ourselves have received from God."
-2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Today is January 7th, 2012. It holds so many reasons for me today. So many reasons for thinking...for remembering...for loving....for rejoicing. The first thing that happened on this day was a sweet smiling woman....a young girl with big brown eyes, married a handsome man. My grandparents...Mary Helen and Doyle were married 62 years ago on this day. I am always going to remember their anniversary because my sweet Garrett was born into Heaven on this day. Also, the beautiful Miss Clara Dawn was proposed to be born on this day, although she wasn’t...this was her due date last year. I am still amazed by that. My brother-in-law was born on this day and a big brother, mother and father rejoiced many years ago. And....today as I have my own memorial of 2 years passing of my little baby boy....or our baby boy with my family.....another family...another child of God will be remembered. On this very day that holds so many words when written in my calendar. So you see what I mean....remembering, loving and rejoicing.....
So much comes to mind when I think of this day....and the only good thing for me is that I can say that although I am sad when I think of Garrett and I miss him, I am also happy that I have Clara Dawn here. I think it was set up for me that way. The Lord knows how I think for sure. I cannot dwell too long any more on pain, because I have such joy when I look into her eyes.....for if he was here, she would not be. So my heart is mixed up in a way a lot of times, but I know this is how it was supposed to be and I have a lot of peace now. The peace that I prayed for so much in the first year when it was really hard.....it finally came and although there is always a little broken piece in my heart, I know that I’m a better, a different, a stronger person for it.
I think of another loss today and it is on my heart....of my friend’s little sweet girl that she was so close to holding....and it’s fresh again. I am sad for her, but mainly because I remember....so much.....how hard it is and what she and her family will endure. I remember and know that the pain does not leave, but it does get more tolerable....and I wish for a winding forward of the clock for her even though at the same time, I know that it doesn’t work that way. I still wish for it though. Pass the pain up. But that is where the learning and the reaching comes. I think we reach every day for Him. We should. We reach for peace....for love....towards the future.....and to Him for guidance through all of it......but through pain, it is the only direction my arms know to go, which is why I know we can’t fast forward as much as I want to....for her.....she will be reaching......just as her child will...into the arms of our Lord and Savior. I don’t know her pain. I can’t. I know my pain, but I can never know hers. So I will pray for all that I prayed for myself two years ago today....for her and her family.
Garrett. He’s our son. He always will be. We hung his stocking up like we did last year when Clara was still in my tummy and we put his ornament up. The girls both got baby brother dolls named Garrett to hug and snuggle. I still wear his bracelet with his tiny little feet engraved on it. We still make memory boxes in his name. We visit the place where he was buried. We talk about him mostly. Gracie always brings him up and has something uplifting to say. He’s taught us so much and made us so much closer, so much more compassionate, and so much more grateful for our family. I told my sister the other day that I often sign his name when I send a card.....and that the only time I don’t is when I feel like it would make the person I send it to confused or uncomfortable. I don’t think of him as anything other than my child. I miss the little boy that he would have been and because I have such a wonderful husband....I can’t help but think of what a beautiful boy he would have been. Little Clara.......I look at her and I think to myself....I bet she looks like her brother....but I always picture him with blue eyes....so I picture Clara now with blue eyes....and there is my Garrett. So I love him just like I love my girls. I love him from afar and when it’s really beautiful outside or when we are walking up to our house in the dark and I get a glimpse of the stars, I think about him. I am hopeful today that I can be a comfort again for someone. Maybe my words somehow will bring some of the hope I feel right now....a glimmer maybe....much like the one I got from a person I’d never met that had went through the same pain two years ago. Two years ago I found peace through an icy journey to the hospital to deliver my sweet little boy into Heaven. I remember how I felt that day as he peacefully came into our lives and then left us to spend eternity in Heaven. We miss you Garrett Ryan Welch Christ......as much today as we did two years ago. Until we meet again, we will rejoice that you are where we long to be some glorious day.
