Better

I have decided that I am officially doing "better". My daily thoughts do still very frequently go to my little boy. I think often of where I would be in my pregnancy. The fun stage where I'm not sick and not prego big enough to be uncomfortable. The glowy stage. I think about him starting to move and me feel him in my tummy....but still...I am "better". I'm a God talker. I talk a lot through the day to God....kinda like a prayer except I don't always end with in Jesus name, Amen and make it official....but I am always talking to him. I like to hash out my thoughts with God. So I've been talking to God lately....first of all thanking him for Garrett and what he means to me. What he has taught me and is still teaching me. I also thank him for getting me through this process. Thank him for the peace that I feel on certain days. I pray mostly right now and ask Him for Peace moving forward. It's hard to let go of my baby boy, Garrett, and feel okay to move forward in another pregnancy. It has also been hard for me to not worry about getting pregnant again or worry about how this could happen again. Of course, my doctor is so wonderful and reassuring that this should not happen again...but why did it happen this time is where my mind always goes to. I'm still not completely through physically healing. There are reminders, set-backs with my body that make it impossible to forget about it for even a moment. All normal set-backs, but still....."better". We got out of the car the other night and Gracie pointed up at the stars like she always does and says, "Stars". I always ask her who made the stars and she usually says "God", but the other night she said "Garrett".....out of the blue. It made me smile because I knew she was associating Garrett with the sky, with Heaven, with God. She has helped me a lot through the days to get "Better" because she is so wonderful. She makes me giggle and laugh out loud in belly laugh fashion with her funniness. I say I'm getting better because sometimes I test myself....and I have tested myself on certain days....thinking about being pregnant again.....and I've not been scared.....felt peace. So, my prayer for myself....is to have peace about the future. That's what I ask God for. I always pray for my baby....I always pray for a healthy baby in my future and I always pray for peace. Speaking of peace. I first started doing this blog because it helped me tremendously to read another blog by a girl named Stacy who had lost her little boy. When I joined her story, she was pregnant. I guess that was 2 months ago. She was going to have a little girl and was hashing out her hopes and fears on her blog. It immediately made me feel good for her and for me....that she could go through such loss as I had....and be on the other side of it....She had her baby March 4th. A beautiful little girl with tons of hair....and so sweet and adorable. It made me happy for her. I don't even know her. I just know her story....but what joy I felt when I got that update. It made me "better" to see and feel her joy with her. This girl whose words have brought me peace. Her strength and her words reminded me to stay with God and I would be okay....I would be "Better".